woven and spun

Well, I wasn’t. Or was I?

With a month and two weeks to go, I’m going to be home soon. I mean home. You know, where Mama and Papa is, where Maricar is and Eric…and summer the doggie.

When I found out I could no longer access multiply here, I thought of friends whom I stay in close contact through multiply, and then felt like something is taken away from me, like my appendix has been pared from the rest of my caecum. (hehe!)

Another thing that happened while I’m away from multiply, I felt unable to write anymore. I don’t know, multiply has this charming, alluring way of getting my hands to the keyboard and type in a sentence until it forms a paragraph, an idea, an essay; whether readable or not.

My last entry in multiply was last February 14 post where I said I was going to travel to Harbin, posted several Beijing pics including the pic of flowers delivered at my door the day before valentine (ken smiley, next year I hope it will be from Boaz…hahahha!).

Well, lots of things happened after that. Like: Tibet against the rest of China, Myanmar cyclone, Obama vs. Clinton (yeah O-ba-ma!), Sichuan earthquake; to name a few world newsmakers. But besides that, lots of things went on in my life…things that you’re not probably interested to know every tiny bits and so I’m just gonna say that I’ve learned a lot in the course of this whole China experience.

Two weeks from now summer vacation is on, and my co-teachers are going back home, most not going back here in China for the time being; my favorite speaker/elder in the Tianjin International Fellowship, Tim Nash, went back to the US with his family last week and many women in the Women’s Bible study where I attend to are going back to their countries, no longer coming back here.

I thought I’m used to people coming in and out of my life but until now, even with experiencing it many times before, I can honestly say that it hurts each time.

Yet I have a race to finish, and no one else will finish it for me. I am destined for something that only me in this whole wide world can accomplish, and these feelings and moments are part of it, of sharpening me, of preparing me for something way bigger than all these right now.

I don’t know what it is, sometimes I wished for God to tell me, to show me signs or to make the blurry stuffs go clear, but the ways ahead look dark, almost like facing a black huge wall.

And it makes sense to me that what I have within is His light, and every step I take will purge the darkness, the uncertainties...

And ever will I thank Him for making everything beautiful – in His time.

(Note: This is posted via my sister Maricar. Yes, multiply is still banned here. If there are no changes, I’ll be in Cebu by July 21. Will fly from here in Tianjin to HK on July 18 and will stay in HK for a couple of days before flying to Cebu. Nagpanikad na ko!)
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Love your cross. Embrace it!

 

Is there something in you that you feel unpretty about? Is there other people in your life that pisses you off? Is there a certain problem or struggle that you are encountering right now? Are you dealing with pains from the past, or fear for what is to come?

 

All of the pains, struggles, suffering you are going through are designed specifically to make you beautiful.

 

That’s what I learned in church yesterday. I am thankful to have been reminded, because sometimes when we feel a certain struggle in our lives we seem to focus on it a whole lot that we forget it’s designed for us to learn something. We forget those things that are terrible are the very things that refine us, like how a stone is refined by being polish into other rough stones.

 

And don’t be afraid if you thought you’re not yet polish. We are all students of life and it would take a lifetime for us to be polished. At some struggles we pass and get polished easily…but there are struggles – those rough surfaces – that would take years and years to get away.

 

Jesus, in the movie by Mel Gibson “The Passion of the Christ”, immediately embraced His cross when He saw it.

 

And Jesus passed it on to us today….

 

“Can you embrace your cross?”

 

Are you ready to be made beautiful by roughing it out? By embracing – or carrying -  a cross too heavy to bear, a life designed with pain on each corner?

 

I believe in the beauty of life – deeply and utterly. The past days I’ve been lonely was bittersweet for me. Bitter because it hurts…sweet because as strange as it may sound I am happy that God is letting me go through a struggle again.

 

I see my whole life as beautiful…and I see the end of it as a shining stone well-polished from years of embracing crosses.

 

How do you see your life?

 

pic caption - R. Wheeler about embracing our crosses. TIF, January 26, 2008

 

 

How can you heal a lonely heart? A heart far away from the one she loves…far away from the care of family, the cheers of friends.

 

How can you heal when distance seems impossible to bridge for now.

 

When you try yourself too hard to cover the pain by reading books, by watching dvds, by writing, or by dining out somewhere.

 

Yet, you still feel it. You are lonely. You look at the couple sharing hamburger in McDonalds, seating opposite you --- and you feel lonely. You looked at friends laughing in the other side…you miss your friends. You feel lonely.

 

You look at your companion – French fries, hamburger, hot chocolate, a book and a camera. You love them…but they don’t love you back. They are things, not people.

 

You remember the time you spent nights chatting with your sister. The lights were off, and your voices hushed…you share the same bed that’s why. You see each other everyday yet your stories were endless.

 

You remembered the call of friends in the middle of the night, or even when you are in the office busy doing your work---your friends pissed you sometimes but its ok.

 

You remembered your Mama cooking inun-unan, and you realized now that it’s the most delicious dish in the whole world.

 

You remembered…because you are lonely. You remembered…because they are part of you yet they are far away. You remembered because you carry all of them in your heart in an attempt to remember them when you’re away….yet the memories you thought will help you bites sometimes, like a pin bursts a baloon. Just like now.

 

You cried, of course. You prayed – not for God to take away the loneliness but for Him to be with you in your loneliness.

 

And then you begin to smile at yourself. In your heart you know that God is speaking…that loneliness has its purpose, and that each road you take will still bring you back to the kitchen with delicious inun-unan, to the bed with hushy voices at night, and to the friends who are not surprised with your mistakes.

 

And you remembered the many decisions you make, the race you’ve chosen, and the people you embraced in your life.

 

And your heart starts to feel light. You can breathe well now. You accepted what loneliness means to you.

 

Coz when you accept loneliness, you’ll realize its purpose. And you’ll feel better.

 

And there they are – your family, your friends, all that you cherish. They are there --- in your heart. Always.

 

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Happy Fiesta sa Orel. Another family gathering I would not be able to celebrate with. Still, I wish you a happy fiesta - Pa, Ma, Eric, Maricar, Lola, Marey, Sam and all the neighbors! Love you all!

Completed Heroes’ season 2 and I must say that there are so many materials for the next season, grabe! Season 2 left me hanging with Nathan Petrelli being assassinated on a press conference he called for to expose his, and that of other peoples’, extraordinary abilities.

Could it be that the one who assassinated Nathan is from “the company”? Was it Noah Bennet who did it? Will we see Nathan on season 3? (to answer my own question, im saying a big “yes”).

Will Niki Sanders survive the explosion/fire? From a human perspective, it looks like she would not…but she’s one of the Heroes, remember? (And there’s Dr. Mohinder Suresh with his and Claire’s blood).

What is Bob’s special ability? It’s never revealed in season two…will it be in the next season (although he did show it a bit on testing Dr. Suresh, I wanna know the full extinct)? Elle’s a bitch but there’s something in her that wants to know the truth, that deep inside, she really is a good girl…will it be uncovered in season 3? And Maya, what’s in store for her? As well as for Monica, Micah, Molly, the Haitian, and all the other Heroes that are sprouting anywhere (the next thing we know there could be a Hero that comes from the Philippines…and it could be, it could be…me?! Hahahha…kidding!).

What will happen to the Claire -West lovestory? Could it be possible that West’s father is Nathan Petrelli (since Nathan and West have the same extraordinary abilities – flying), and that he and Claire are siblings? (Don’t take my word here, I’m just digging West since his family wasn’t introduced yet.)

Will Peter find Caitlin again? Uhmmm…whatever.

Hiro did not kill Takiro Kensei, a.k.a. Adam Munroe, (why, oh why?!) so it made sense that one day someone would find him and bring him back from his hibernation six feet under. What’d you think?

So many thoughts spilling from my mind now…what can I say, I’m a fan!

For Season three teaser, Sylar’s back! (his power is.) He’s always someone I love to hate, common to those who plays very good villain.

I was a bit skeptical to watch season two after it ended. Why? Because I thought that introducing more characters would spoil the real essence of the story. But I was wrong, the story got more intense and engaging with its many characters, and we begin to understand now why there are Heroes with extraordinary genes or special DNA (Hiro time-traveling back to Takiro Kensei’s time is so cool!). It’s also worthy to point out the director’s good pace, or balance, in keeping the many characters on the roll even if they don’t appear in some episodes.

The thing I like about Heroes, personally speaking, is that the more it stretches its episodes, the more they can dig materials for the future stories. And the characters grow. We see how Matt Parkman’s power mature. I use to underestimate his power but in season 2 he became so influential that I have much respect for his power now. Unlike Prisonbreak where I could honestly say that the entire story ends in season 1. Season 2 and 3…well, thanks to writers’ brilliant ideas to farm materials for the story to move on, even if it’s dragging already. And we have to consider…Wentworth Miller sells a lot, that’s why. Hahhahahha! (Wink, wink!)

So excited for Heroes’ season 3…can’t hardly wait! Aja, aja fighting!

I'm telling you, Renaldo's song will give you last song syndrome. There are already bunches of Renaldo wanna-bees sprouting from youtube since this is aired in the US.

A summary of my recent trip would be Tianjin-Changsa-Feng Huang-Yiyang-Guangzhou-Fogang-Tianjin.

After Fogang, my plan was to go to Fujian, specifically in Wuyishan where one can visit Mt. Wuyi, a UNESCO Heritage site. However, during the trip to Feng Huang, I already caught myself sneezing several times. NOT a good sign. So, when I was in Fogang and the weather was chilly and houses have no heating system, I was already asking myself if I have to pursue with the Mt. Wuyi trip. Then, since Chinese new year is just around the corner and almost all Chinese goes back to his/her hometown for the new year which they call Spring Festival, the train ticket to Fujian ran out. A sign that I should not go there. By now.

I was a bit disappointed not going to Wuyi...but I accepted the fact that: one - i have colds, two - i don't have a train ticket, third - my body is aching for rest, what with countless hours on the train and the other times intended for walking and sightseeing.

There is a time for everything so I just relie on the fact that one day, I'll go to Wuyi...maybe by summer vacation (and that's what I'm planning now...which is another story all in itself.)

For now, I enjoy my cozy bed and the warmth of my room. How I miss this home away from home.

pic 1 - dressing up like a Miao lady

pic 2 - Feng Huang at night, with students all poised for posterity.

pic 3 - trying out Feng Huang's fried bread for snacks. The vendor asked me if I want it smothered with liquid hot chili. I refused without thinking.

Three of the many pics I have during my travel to Changsa, Hunan. Right now I'm in Feng Huang and this morning I met the Miao people, they are one of China's minorities (most Chinese are Hans) and was really amazed and strucked by what I learned. Specific details about my travel to follow later when I'm back and cozy in Tianjin. FYI, almost all dishes in Hunan are spicy, real spicy, and its Hunan peoples' nature to eat really spicy food. Can you just imagine...me, with all these spicy foods?

;)

pic captions:

1 - me in Changsa's biggest park

2 - in Changsa's shopping mall with some sculpture in the walking area, really cool!

3 - i don't look ancient Chinese for sure. In Hunan University's big museum.

 

A co-teacher from Russia told me that I am adjusting quite well these days, with lots of free time and sleeping time,  especially now that school's off and it won't be back until March 2. She said that she felt really bored, being a very sociable person and in constant need of interaction.

I told her I can do a lot of things alone. I don't know if this is weakness or strength, although I really try hard to balance the two - socialization and solitude. It's said there is a time for everything...so thus, there is a time to socialize, and a time to be alone and enjoy whatever it is that you want to do.

The past two weeks, I've been mostly alone. BUT beginning tomorrow, I'm alone no longer. Hunan, Guangzhou and Fujian are the target places for my travel with friends. I once planned to go to Hangzhou alone, after being with friends in the above places, Hangzhou is known to be paradise on earth, "In heaven there is paradise, here on earth there is Hangzhou," "Hangzhou...the most beautiful place in China!" are some of the phrases Hangzhou is known for. But since it's winter, I'm afraid the West Lake, which is one of Hangzhou's scenic spot, might be frozen these days. So I reckon to skip the travel there (and I'm planning to go there alone which is somehow complicated 'coz I'm not good in Chinese) and probably go by springtime.

Anyways, as I've said, I've been mostly alone these days because other teachers are traveling and some went back to America. I've done a lot of reflection and thinking, reading and watching dvds (I saw I AM LEGEND already --- FYI, my pet dog's name is Sam also, so imagine when Robert/Will Smith cried for Sam, I cried too, huhuhu), surfing the net and traveling around Tianjin and some places in Beijing, waking up really late and going to bed really late if not early morn. With these slow pace of life, I'm reminded of the risks I took in the past. If I were not here, where would I be?

And I asked myself, if I'm not single now, i should be double, married? To whom? If I'm not in China now, where could I be? Stuffs like that.

Lots of things to think about, don't you think? I blabber to myself, to the wall, to the mirror. I blabber as I write this blog and I don't even know what point I'm trying to draw.

And with these times of solitude (or even some times of meeting friends and spending dinners together), the phrase that comes to my mind is this:

"I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of." - John 10:10 (The Message).

What's exciting in this life is that there is so much joy in each moment, even in the ordinary, mundane and the routinary. Why? Because there is meaning in them, even the tiny bits.

I have learned enough to see beyond the dvds I watched, the music I listened to, the books I read and the breakfast I ate. There is so much life in everything...so much!

Thank God I was taught by a Great Teacher.

(I understand if you don't get me in this blog. Sorry I'm somehow in a hurry. I'm fully myself but my stomach isn't...and my computer is running out of juice. Will be out of multiply for maybe a month or two because of my travels. You guys keep it cool. God bless!)

the deep parts of my life pour onward
as if the river shores are opening out
It seems that things are more like me now
That I can see farther into paintings
I feel closer to what language can't reach
With my senses, as with bird,
I climb into the windy heaven
out of the oak,
in the ponds broken off from the sky
my falling sinks,
as if standing on fishes

-Rainer Maria Rilke

Poems are therapeutic! This one reminds me of what I feel about myself now. It's not to show off, to be quite honest, I even feel a deep sense of gratefulness for what I have now. I always know all these is not really about me.

Tell me if you get my explanation. If not, then its really a long story.

Good day!

Last year 2007...

I met so many interesting, lovely and amazing people, gone to places I've never been before, experienced a lot of new things that I will remember my whole life, said so many goodbyes...cried a lot, laughed a lot, found new interests and passion.

I should say this again...I'm beyond words when I look back at how bountiful, wonderful and great 2007 is.

This 2008...

I wish to learn more, to love more...to be more passionate about everything that's in my life...and to pay it forward.

And as I am not getting any younger, I often asked myself what it is that I want others to say about me when I'm gone (I sound like I'm in my 80's...hahhah. FYI, I'm 27). And I would always go back to Nicole Nordeman's Legacy, a song that you could listen  to as you view my homepage.

Year 2007 taught me a lot about life, about taking risks, letting go, and embracing the gift that is given from Above. I wish to explore more of this in 2008. To be a better human being not in the standards of the world but in the standard of the humblest Man who walked this earth. I thought before that His standards are impossible to walk on, but I realized it is His grace that makes it possible, no matter what your status in life is.

Oh, how beautiful 2008 could be...with all that is to come, with the journey that will surely make me a person that would understand more, love more, feel more, laugh more...and live more.

Cheers to 2008!

Yes, it's not a skating rink. It's a river, fyi. At this time of the year, the river is frozen already...real bad news for folks who'd usually go fishing there every Sunday morning.

But for the lad above, it's time to enjoy skating on a frozen river, free...without charge.

Kung kibaw palang ko mo-skating ay, apil jud dayon ko. Lol!

Well, I cooked a couple of sausages and noodles for some days when I feel too lazy to go to the dining hall. But yesterday, I was inspired to cook a whole meal. Except for the apple and milk, I cooked the whole thing! Whoah!

Thing is, I could have wanted to put soy sauce on the eggplant with egg topped with sliced sausages. But, as another cooking disaster in my book, I bought vinegar instead of soy sauce (or it looks like soy sauce but tastes like vinegar, could be some kind of sauce). In the supermarket, I almost bang my head looking for soy sauce with an english word "soy sauce" on it, and since I did not find any, I just relied on my instinct and pick a soy-sauce looking thingie.

My instinct was wrong, for the nth time.

But in fairness, the meal was great! Feels like I should cook again. :)

            Christmas always brings out the best in me. I guess it’s the same with many people.

 

            Maybe it’s the festive feeling, the colorful lights and Christmas trees, the exciting Misa de Gallo, or the gifts we have to give, or receive.

 

            Apparently for me, I never witnessed the Filipino Christmas this year. No amateur kid carolers knocking on my door, or the puto-bungbong or bibingka with sikwati after each misa de gallo. No need to wake up at 3 am from December 16 to 24 for the misa de aguinaldo or the mass of the rooster.

 

            I miss the toothy smile of churchgoers in my part of the Philippines, but if there is one important thing I’ve learned in life recently, it should be the constancy of God amidst the many activities going on in human life, amidst the many travels we make (either emotional or physical), the many decisions we take, the many celebrations we attend to, the ever-changing feelings going on our lives each day…God is just constant everywhere and all the time.

 

            When we have God in our hearts and minds, we will see Him in the outside world as well. It doesn’t matter if there are not much Christmas lights here (although in the shopping centers there are a lot), or if Christmas is so commercialized that it’s completely stripped of its true meaning.

 

Christmas will remain to me a personal thing – a celebration of the heart because Jesus is my Savior and He reigns in me.

 

            Actually that’s the real reason why Christmas always brings out the best in me.

 

 

           

 

            I went to Ying Kou Dao in a Catholic Church on December 24. The church was so crowded. I’m not sure if all of the people who went to church that time are Catholics but I was really surprised by what I saw.

 

            There is a Starbucks Coffee outside the church so I settled there for an hour to talk to my family via yahoo messenger. I asked Mama what she prepared for Christmas, she mentioned Filipino foods that I miss so much. I felt like pinching myself for asking, I should have skipped the subject in the first place.

 

            At 7 pm as I went out of Starbucks, the church is now so crowded no one can get in anymore. Although its somehow weird to see some people wearing masks and even unvictorios symbols on their forehead as their way of celebrating Christmas, it was a relief to know that they are required to take them off as they enter the church.

 

            Dinner was in Alibaba (I’m not sure if I have the right spelling) with my pinoy friends here – Ren, Bony, Hannah, Jean and the only rose among the thorns Mark (hehe!).

 

            Mark said that if you are a foreigner and haven’t been to Alibaba, then you aren’t considered a foreigner yet.

 

            The façade of Alibaba is so ordinary-looking. It has a door made of old dirty wood. No signs or symbol that it is Alibaba already. It actually looked like an old abandoned house.

 

            Inside was rather different. The first word that came out of my mouth was “cool!”. The style is real European. Two TV sets: one playing MTV Asia and the other one playing football. There were pictures of Rastafari stars, a bicycle tucked in a corner of the ceiling, wooden chairs and tables, many writings in the wall (you can write whatever you want to write in Alibaba – vandalism is okay here), a computer on the side (you can access the net there if you want), and what’s more, I was told that they have wireless internet. Cool indeed!

 

            Another thing, Alibaba’s Chicken Teriyaki is very tasty! It should be the yummiest chicken teriyaki I’ve tasted. And since Alibaba caters to foreigners, it isn’t a wonder to see the place packed with foreigners. I should go back there one of these days.

 

            After dinner, the pinoys invited me to spend overnight with them for a Christmas countdown, I declined.

 

            I was alone for the countdown, down on the floor. Thankful. Happy. Who am I to be loved like this, to experience such amazing things…who am I?

 

            I am thankful for that Northern star pointing me to the Savior. From that time on I just live by His grace – no more, no less.

 

 

 

            “You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are – no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.”

 

-Matthew 5:5 The Message

 

            “In a word, what I’m saying is, Grow up.  You’re kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you.

 

-Matthew 5:48 The Message

 

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Photo captions:

 

pic 1: Christmas in China - Ying Kou Dao church

 

pic 2: With Pinoy friends Mark, Jean, Ren, Hannah and Bony

 

pic 3: Meeting place for Xmas get-together, at the crowded Bingjiang Dao

 

The pic above was taken yesterday at 1:30 p.m., right after I ate lunch with my friend and colleague Nadia. The fog was so thick yesterday that it took the school bus from one campus to the other campus (from Tianjin Univ. of Finance and Economics' main campus to Zhujiang, the Pearl River campus) 3 hours. I have to doff my hat to the driver who was really an expert in passing through roads on a foggy day, he was really extra slow and careful since there is really nothing in front of him but a white foggy street.

Yesterday was not the first time for me to experience thick fog. I remember a month ago, I have cancelled classes because I cannot make it to the next campus on time because of the difficulty in traveling on a foggy day. FYI, when the fog is thick, most highways are closed so that means to say you have to wait until the fog subsides to enter through the highway. And for me and the other teachers of Zhujiang, we can't go to the next campus unless through the highway.

That's just the way it is.